I'm not stoked about how I went about this week. I got a lot of information that is helpful for making the upcoming weeks better in the sense that I found a bunch of ways that _don't_ work for me in getting things done and feeling my best.
- I was still staying with my neighbor, which was great, but I found that I was delaying/dismissing what I wanted to prioritize for more fun activities with them, people visiting from out of town, and other fun distractions.
- I ended up staying up late most days this week, which left my mornings pre-work very short; mornings are when I get most of my best and most focused time in.
- I was still not in my space where I feel I have the most agency to accomplish my goals.
These feel like excuses as I'm writing them, which is the internalizer and perfectionist in me trying to goad me into thinking that nothing should be able to affect my actions by my own drive or something. But it would also only be an excuse if I wasn't taking responsibility for myself in making those decisions. I feel like this week was largely a failure, but out of that, all I can do is seek to understand why and move forward.
I followed my normal schedule of two days in a row doing my exercises followed by a rest day where I stretched and went on at least one walk. I physically feel great.
I absolutely failed at this one, not meditating a single time.
I know that for me, this is an *absolutely key* element in feeling empowered to handle difficult times well. My reason for having this on my daily tasks is because it _matters_. I will need to invest in finding some ways to help, through some comraderie or some kind of accountability buddy. This is super important and I want to make this a higher priority.
I journaled almost every day. A couple of days were particularly hard for me and my journal really helped me process my feelings well. I feel like my turning to journaling as an emotional tool became much stronger this week and I saw the direct benefits of using it. Very happy with this.
Use screens mindfully
Generally, I feel like I was not absolutely bound to screens this week. But I did find myself watching Youtube before I went to bed. I think this was a coping mechanism for feeling an unwanted way and trying to soothe without realizing it. I can absolutely stop doing this and for next month, will probably go back to an older original goal of using screens only between 8am and 9pm. I found that was very helpful in helping me feel more calm and focused on what I actually care about.
Face difficult emotions/act instead of analyze
Like I said above, my journaling really helped me here. I tried to understand them as they came up instead of stalling and letting them fester. This helped me better understand _why_ many of these feelings came up, which is huge. In the past, I often realize I feel a way and it is too late to remember why.
This quick attention to my feelings had other benefits of generally being more mindful of my emotions in the moment. I avoided doing some things I didn't want to do and noticed the anxiety of why I was trying to get myself to do it anyway. Very big step for me, as the emotions of others often tke precedence over my own, and that's usually because I can't even tell what my feelings are at that point.
Expand comfort zone
Like I said last week, no concrete goal has left me without a good direction or action. I pretty much just abandoned it.
Work on the house
I had set a better goal last week of putting up at least one piece of insulation and moisture barrier in the ceiling. This didn't happen because I put off ordering the materials. I tried searching fo materials to order but couldn't find what I needed from where I looked. Found a place but they were closed. Largely a procrastination issue, but also some anxiety there.
All that said, having a stronger goal made me feel much more motivated, despite the bad outcome. So that's good that my hypothesis was true there.
Help my community
I volunteered for a group in Portland called the Shadow Project, packing orders of books, stimming toys, and other goodies for teachers to give their students. Essentially, this org is cool because the idea is that students set their own goals and the rewards that come with meeting them. If they meet them, they have whatever amount of "shadow bucks" to spend on the Shadow Project's store. It's something that I feel like would have really helped me in school, and has demonstrated benefits for empowering people with learning disabilities.
The Shadow Project
I also continued work on the super minimal CMS I maintain, Lichen. I finally found a way to add tests. Before, it was all in one file that was hard to break into smaller pieces, which made it impossible to run a unit test suite on it. I found a way, so now the door is open for ratcheting down the functionality that exists for better and safer maintenance.
What I did that makes testing possible in Lichen
Put time into lockpicking
This was another goal I just didn't put any time into. It's too vague and not something that feels very actionable to me. I did this a couple of times this week, but it was more or less that I would see the tools and play with it. If the tools were not within sight, I didn't. That doesn't feel very sustainable nor robust. Quite literally out of sight, out of mind. Being in my own space certainly would help me there, but not enough, I don't think.